One Man "Wolff" Pack

And the winner for the worst date in the world goes to the "One Man Wolf Pack." First off if you have never seen the movie The Hangover, your weird. Go out to the nearest Redbox and rent it. If you don't have a dollar to spend on Redbox simply google  Zach Galifianakis. You are now currently looking at my date from last week. Except he isn't funny like Alan from the movie, they just have similar features. Such as stringy hair, a wolf shirt, nasty beard, beer belly, sadly he didn't sport a satchel.
Alan has been my crazy stalker that creeps on me EVERYDAY. Ok maybe not everyday, but pretty dang close, and when it is creep fest day I get an average of about 5 IM's from Facebook chat, and about 2-3 text messages. Annoying. I have been refusing to go out with this guy, but I had to give the him some credit for his persistence.

Story goes as follows:
I finally caved in, and agreed to go on a date with Lone 'Wolff.' HUGE MISTAKE. To give you a quick recap of how my day went I was up at 4:30am to watch the two little babies til about 7:30pm(and I only had 2 hours of sleep the night before) I was tired, hungry, and I probably had a cheerio stuck in my hair.

RED FLAG CENTRAL
So I hurry home, shower, run a flat iron through my hair, slap some makeup on and give Lone 'Wolff' the ok to come pick me up. 8:30 goes by...9:00 goes by...still no Alan from The Hangover. Finally my phone rings and he says he is outside. RED FLAG#2947 Guys you should never call a girl and tell her to come outside. Have some class and knock on her door. I go outside while he is parked in the middle of the street...cool. At this point I should have known it was going to be a complete failure.

AWKWARD CAR RIDE
Uh.... we have nothing in common besides a mutual friend. Who happens to be seriously the sweetest girl ever. She is gorgeous, and a newlywed. CONGRATS  :)
Back to the story....We chit chat about our lovely friend and her wedding. Then its the awkward silence, because we have nothing else to say.

DINNER
It was kind of late but seriously I was starving. Alan from the Hangover decided that we should go to Saddle Ranch because it was open late, sweet, I love that place. So we slide into the booth and I am on the other side (My female radar goes off with flashing red lights and a siren that is shouting "Stay away!!") Of course Alan makes a joke and tells me to slide over, and I do. Mistake on my part, should not have done that. Then the pop quiz begins. Yes ladies and gentleman, a lovely pop quiz. At the time I didn't know I was being tested on my "opinions and beliefs." This is when Alan begins to bash on my beliefs, and it makes me want to throw my delicious diet coke at your face because we do not agree on anything. Besides that very large cotton candy that was delivered to the table for both of us to pick at while you say that everything I believe is wrong. You'll see what I mean by pop quiz later on in the story...

THE BILL
I honestly feel really bad when a guy pays (except when they eat your meal, then I hope you get food poisoning. Go read my older posts) I always want to pay half, its just the right thing to do. It was a tid bit pricey meal...but he refused for me to pay, I disagreed, but we finally agreed on me paying the tip, and buying the movie tickets. Thank you Alan Lone 'Wolff' for the meal, that was very nice of you.

REWIND BACK TO DINNER
If you know me, you know that I DO NOT like being touched. Ew keep your hands to yourself, unless you are Ryan Gosling, but since you aren't please don't lay a single finger on me. I like my own personal bubble, don't be poking into it, or I will punch you. One Man 'Wolff' Pack decides to push my buttons and "brushes" up on me a few times during dinner. No joke, this is a full on quote of what I said to this guy, "If you touch me one more time I swear I am going to make a scene, punch you, then walk home." Harsh I know. Looking back I don't regret a single word. I regret the fact that I didn't follow through this, because walking from Westgate to my house would have been better then spending one more moment with this man.

MOVIES
We walk over to AMC and check out the movies. Its about 11:30, and all of the movies had pretty much just started. I say a prayer in my heart of "THANK YOU HEAVENLY FATHER!!! THERE IS NO WAY I COULD SPEND ANOTHER 2 MORE HOURS WITH THIS MAN!! ITS A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!" In all seriousness, I really did say that.

QUESTIONABLE MURDER
I get in his car (no he didn't open my door) and we drive back to my place. In my mind I am thinking "Please drive faster, I want to get home, sleep, then wake up and pretend like this night never happened." Then about 3 miles away from my house he pulls into a dark Blockbuster parking lot. "Oh are we here to pick up The Hangover and watch the film your featured in? No? Ok, take me home please. Uh, you mean you want to sit and talk MORE about the nothingness we have in common in this parking lot. Are you going to murder me because I feel weirded out right now. Please take me home." The next 45 minutes we discussed the music on his Ipod. I am pretty sure I would rather pluck out my eye balls with chopsticks then spend one more second with you Alan. Ok ok ok...a little harsh, but some what true.

ALMOST HOME
Finally after me yawning about 10 times, he says "You look tired, I should get you home." MY PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED AGAIN TONIGHT!! Can I get an amen in the house?!" Alan tells me that I handled myself very well during dinner, and that he was impressed that I didn't argue with him when it came to my beliefs. Are you freaking kidding me? I am glad I passed your test. Do I get a gold star and a pat on my back?

THE STRAW THAT BROKE THE CAMELS BACK
Alan apologizes for him being late. He said he was sitting at the bar talking to the bartender on whether or not he wanted to pick me up. Is this some sort of joke?? I am not the pity date, YOU ARE. Then Alan says a mean joke about my religion. I just looked at him with the eyes of death hoping that I was burning through his mean soul. Lone 'Wolff' parks in the middle of the street, again. (Seriously? Pull up to the curb, it is the least you can do.) I thank him for dinner, exit his vehicle, go inside, and then shake my head in disgust.

The Good: Lovely mutual friend. You are amazing, and you make me smile. I wish you the best in this new journey of yours. Congrats my lovely!

The Bad: Everything about this date was bad. Except the food. Thank you Saddle Ranch.

The Dirty: Creepy men that touch you, after you repeatedly tell them not to. Have some respect. If you don't, expect to be icing your nuts for the next few days because I will punch you with ever ounce of strength I have within me.

3 strikes and I'm out!!

I have come to the conclusion that either
A: I have a serious thing for baseball players
B: All baseball players are douches
C: Me and baseball don't mix
D: All of the above

The correct answer was D, all of the above. Recently I met a handsome young fellow in the produces aisle. Yes, you read that correctly...we met at the grocery store. He was charming, and had the most gorgeous eyes ever. We flirted, he asked for my number, and 2 days later we met up at Starbucks. While sipping my delicious passion fruit non sweetened tea I heard him say that he use to play college baseball. My heart sank, from this point on I knew that my hour long makeup and hair was a waste, along with this conversation.

Over the years of dating I have realized that I am very attracted to baseball players. Here is a quick recap of some of the boys that made the list.

HIGH SCHOOL BASEBALL
Dated a few of those in high school. One of them dated on and off for about a year. He was nice, but had his douchey moments. He recently got married, and by recently I mean last week. Congrats!

COLLEGE BASEBALL
There has been a few of those too. Whether they were playing for a community college or a University, I was there cheering them on. I am just thinking of all the wasted shirts that were purchased so I could sport some team spirit... what a joke.

MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL
Oh yes...it happened. He was super sexy. I met him at the last place I worked out. We went on quite a few dates, and still keep in touch. No, I will not tell you his name. Yes, I will tell you that he plays for the Orioles. What position? I'll never tell....all you creeps out there would stop what you are doing and google it....Not that I ever googled Mr.Orioles or anything....Ok, maybe. YOU WOULD TOO!

Now fast forward back to me at Starbucks with handsome across the table. With the words college baseball rolling off his tongue my mind had a flashback of all the baseball douchebagers out there that I dated. How it was all a waste of time, money, and heartache. So since I've hit all bases(high school, college, the majors) there is no need for me to pursue after these charming men. Haven't quite hit any home runs with any of them....Mostly they end up being fowl balls....Sigh...

The Good: Being able to say that I went on many dates with Mr.Orioles. Hollllla!

The Bad: Getting your hopes up while in the produces aisle. I should have known better to head straight to the freezer aisle and get a pint of mint n chip because I'll be eating it a week later being bummed out by stupid boys.

The Dirty: Guys who dip. That is nasty. And so is spitting out sunflower seeds. Yuck! Unattractive.